Harumph January 11, 2010

I hate it when life happens and upsets my plans. It always seems so hard to get going again. I got sick right after that last post, and only in the last week felt well again. During that time, I did a lot of thinking (though as always, it was somewhat muddled by fever and much coughing).

I’m having a lot of misgivings about quitting my department store job, even though I hated it. I was used to that steady paycheck, regardless of how small. I couldn’t have lived on it, but it didn’t feel like I was freeriding off my husband, either. I don’t have that anymore. Yes, I’m doing some freelance advertising work, and working as the customer service/editorial assistant for a small magazine. But it’s not much. And it bothers me. Yes, we spend less on eating out when I stay at home, because I cook more. The apartment stays nicer. I have enough hobbies to do and books to read to keep me busy for decades. Right now I’m studying like mad for the three tests I have left for school, and that will keep me busy until the end of this month. So it’s not that I’m unhappy, but rather that I feel guilty.

After school is done, I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands. We’re planning to move in the spring. I’ll probably be looking for a full time job of some sort. That’s where the guilt comes in…because I don’t want to. I don’t want a regular job again. Maybe I got burned through a year of dept. store work, but I don’t want to be on someone else’s time schedule and service standard. Ever again. And I hate, hate the idea of going to work at a job that bores me, that isn’t making a real difference to anyone. But why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I have to, when my husband has worked jobs that he hates ever since he finished high school? He always says it’s a means to an end, that he’s paying his dues to society. He hates it, but it’s only a matter of time. I know that. It would be the same for me. I know that in my head, but it makes me want to cry when I think about it. Am I just lazy?

I would love to have a pile of writing assignments due to various editors right now. The thing is, I hate trying to “sell myself” to editors and being rejected. Yes, I know. It’s part of a writer’s life, that pile of rejection letters. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. So how many queries have I sent out?

None. Well, I did contact the subject for an article I would like to write, and was granted permission. But I have yet to contact an editor about that idea or any other. I’m scared.

I’ve come to realize in the past few months that I’m an artist at heart. Almost everything I do and enjoy is creating something or helping stir my creative juices – writing, knitting, spinning, baking, reading, hiking, even horseback riding. I hate being forced into a set schedule. I like being spontaneous. At the same time, I’m cautious. I know we have to eat and have a roof over our heads. I know money doesn’t grow on trees. We only have any extra money right now because my dear husband works all the overtime he can get and doesn’t spend a lot. It bothers me that as it is, I can’t support myself right now, I don’t have any skills that would land me a job with that sort of pay.

Maybe if I really worked on the freelance thing, I could make a decent amount of money. After all, some people do. But WHY does everything have to come down to money? I hate money. So many decisions in my life have been made based on how much it would cost to do something, including where, when, and how I went to school, where we live, what jobs we have, and on and on. I hate it. Why? I know we’re not the only ones. Why is our society set up so that only the rich can afford to take time out from their lives and study for years? Oh, we could have – but we would have been tens of thousands of dollars in debt. It makes me so angry.

I guess that was all to say, I need to work harder on this freelance thing.

First Week December 12, 2009

So my first week as a freelancer was somewhat…different. My writing goals were NOT met, sadly. However, I can attribute much of that to Christmas activities that were already planned that I couldn’t get around, and coming down with a headcold. I did, though, pull out my novel and give it a thorough reading for the first time in several months. About two chapters in, I had this distinct feeling (comic from inkygirl).

I did keep reading, and the first two are definitely the worst. Ugh. I’ve decided I’m going to ignore them for a while and just keep plugging along. We’ll see how well it goes. I have about 25,000 words written on it so far, the most I’ve ever had on any of the novels I’ve started. I’m determined to finish this one, but I’m not setting myself a date or timeline just yet.

I did a little bit of research on a couple article ideas I have, but most of my time has been taken up with Christmas prep and learning the ins and outs of the small magazine I’m working as a customer service person/editorial assistant for. I’ve also committed to getting off my rear every day for at least a walk (preferably a real workout). With working at home also comes the temptation to just sit all day without exercising. Working at the department store wasn’t exactly exercise, but I did do quite a bit of walking every day. This week I did manage to get in a few workouts and had a walk of some kind every day. Whoohoo. That was successful, at least. Today the cold has sunk my boat a bit, but I still took a walk. I find even a short one wakes up my mental faculties more.

Hopefully next week will be better.

Anticlimatic? December 3, 2009

I have two days of work left, today and tomorrow. I’m excited, but in a very constrained sort of way. That sort of bothers me. I had anticipated jumping for joy and having my energy returned to me once I was able to quit the very draining job, but it hasn’t happened. Maybe it will happen after I get off from work tomorrow. Or maybe it won’t really happen at all. Why not?

Well, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. While I have a couple publishing credits to my (maiden) name, I don’t have much experience to offer to the freelance world. There are thousands of people out there trying to do the same thing I propose to do, and they are much more qualified than I. Strike one. Also, I’m characteristically distract-able.  My thought process often goes something like this: “Need to write this. Let’s see, what magazines would be interested? Maybe Mag A. Or Mag B. Or – oh hey, look, shiny!” Strike two. What on earth makes me think I can do this? Especially with a few last exams for my degree hanging over my head? Oh yeah, strike three, right there.

But, I’m going to try. Hopefully my standard optimism (which was undoubtedly what made me think I could do this in the first place) will return by the weekend.

I Did It November 24, 2009

Well, folks, I’m making the plunge. I turned in my 2 weeks notice at my official, regular-paycheck-type job yesterday. Gulp. Now for the leap into piles of rejection slips, lots of networking, and even more waiting. Wish me luck!

Unfortunately, since I did NOT decide by the time period mentioned in my last post, I still have to work Black Friday in a large retail store.

Still Alive, Yes, I Am November 5, 2009

Just barely.

Actually, I’m pretty much okay. A couple minor injuries, but seeing as the other car hit mine on the driver’s side door, I’m incredibly fortunate. My car, not so much.

The accident and its ramifications have made me rethink where I’m going and what I plan to do. I’m almost finished my degree. If all goes well (which it may not, after the discovery that my school has canceled one of the tests I was supposed to be taking), I’ll be finished by the end of December. I was working at Sears to earn some extra money, but since I have enough to finish school now I could technically quit that job. My car is most likely totaled, and if it is, we probably won’t be getting a new one until after we’ve moved. So. That brings me to the idea that’s been rolling around in my head for some time, but has only become a truly serious consideration in the past couple days.

What if I don’t look for a replacement job, but instead concentrated on finishing school and working on my freelance career? I had some mild success when I tried that half-heartedly for a couple of months. If I really put some effort into it, maybe I could make it work. On the other hand, freelancing is a shaky source of income at best. However, at this point, any money I make is not desperately needed since my husband works full time. Writing IS what I’ve always wanted to do.

However, I need to decide by Saturday, because if this is what I’m going to do, I need to turn in my two weeks’ notice.

Gulp.

Getting Into It April 16, 2009

I have an unusual way of reading books. It drives my DH crazy. I read a book about 3/4 of the way through, then put it down for days – sometimes weeks. Or I’ll read a chapter or two at a time. Or, I read about halfway, make some guesses about the plot, and then read the last few pages to see if I’m right. Then I’ll put it down for awhile and later go back to read the in between stuff.  I think it’s the last he objects to the most, though he can’t understand why I employ the former methods either. I don’t like it when my emotions get yanked around by a book. It feels like I’m loosing control of them, in a way. That and it often effects my mood. Suspense especially. Tonight I refused to watch Lost because the man is working third shift and I would be all alone (well, with the dog) in a little apartment on the ground floor in a complex that is usually busy until the wee hours of the morning. No thanks. I did that once and was awake and thoroughly creeped out until 3 A.M.  An example would be the Dean Koontz book I’m (still) currently reading, the Darkest Evening of the Year. I’m over half-way now and I’m still reading it a chapter or two at a time. Maybe this particular one is harder because it involves dogs (my breed, too) as well as people, but I do this with lots of books. Another would be Wideacre, by Phillipa Gregory. I’m about 4/5 of the way finished (have been for about 4 months), and I’ve already read the ending. I still want to go back and find out how certain things ended up the way they did, but I’m much happier knowing the ending.

Looking at it from one perspective, it’s a compliment to the author. It means he or she made their characters real enough that I’m concerned about what happens to them. On the other hand, my fits and starts and sneak peaks do limit the ability of the story/author in some ways. I often miss foreshadowing when reading this way. I don’t get to know the characters quite so well. And when I sneak the back of the book, I don’t get to fully appreciate the building of the story. My husband says this is an insult to the writer, and as a writer I should never do this. He does have a point, and I’m trying to break myself of reading the ending first. I have a lot of trouble just letting random authors take my emotions/mood for a ride, though.

What do you all think? Am I being unfair to my fellow writers? Or am I not alone in this odd way of reading? If you don’t think I should read this way, tell me why. If you think it’s all fine and dandy, give me a reason for that too. I’m just interested in hearing what other writers/readers think.

Oh yeah, just for the record, I do the equivalent with RPGs and some movies. I can make it through a comedy or a chick flick, but give me an emotional ride and I just can’t quite take it. I’m currently trying to work up enough courage to finish the Patriot. After insisting someone tell me if so-and-so and so-and-so dies. *sheepish*

Milestone April 6, 2009

20,021 words. Need I say more?

Actually, yes. Matthew Pearl has a new book out! I literally danced when I found The Last Dickens in Barnes and Noble. Sadly, I couldn’t buy it at the time. Once I get my hands on it though, I’ll be sure to post a review. Hmm. Maybe I should go back and post reviews of his first two books, The Dante Club and The Poe Shadow. He is one of the few authors whose books I buy before reading or even reading reviews. I liked his first one best, but the Shadow was still very good.

Spring Procrastination March 24, 2009

I’ve heard a couple other writers bemoaning the bad case of procrastination/writers’ block that has hit them in the past couple weeks; I wonder if it’s something about the time of year.

My WIP is a bit stuck again. My MC is turning into a snot, and I don’t like it. So I’m glaring at the page wondering how to fix this problem, and yet she just glares stubbornly back. Sigh. When I get “stuck” like this, it is so vital that I still write something. Sometimes it’s just a journal entry or a blog post, but my writing usually benefits more from prompts and exercises. I have this book that I sometimes use. Jess recently inspired me with a prompt she put up, but I still haven’t actually written my idea out. Maybe I’ll do that today, since I don’t really have time to glower at my MC much longer.

What do you do when your character tries to take off without you?

Spring Fever March 21, 2009

I didn’t mean to take a two-week break, but that’s life for ya. I did a little writing in that time, but not much. I kind of got out of my groove when our company came (which was very fun, just not really good for my muse) and am just now starting to get back into it. However, I’m not sure how long that will last, since I volunteered for extra hours at work this week. Since I actually HAVE a job now I’ve been getting back into gear with school (I’m at 80-some credits now, yay), so extra money is very good and very needed, it’s just the hours cut into my study/writing/other stuff time, not to mention my time with my man. It’s only a week though, so I guess I’ll survive.

With spring coming on, I’ve been hit with an organizing bug. This includes finished multiple sewing projects that have been languishing in my closet for months (in one case, years). So I guess that’s interfering with my writing as well, but they really did need to be finished.

I’ve begun to wonder if I try to read too many writing blogs. There’s 39 unread entries sitting in my Google Reader right now. Granted, this only happens when I skip about 4 days of reading, but still. I dunno.

Reading update:

The Darkest Evening of the Year is taking me forever to read because it’s so creepy. I can only read about two chapters before I have to put it down so I’m not totally freaked out.

Passionate Housewives I’m still reading, taking it slow for various reasons.

Hancock Park was  returned to the library when I discovered the protaganist was lesbian. Sorry, I’d just rather not spend my free time reading that, even if it was otherwise well written.

Dog Man is still in my to be read pile.

B is for Burglar was pretty good for a modern mystery. I didn’t realize the alphabet series was a chronological story, so I sent “O” back and read C is for Corpse instead. Fast reads, I guess 3 stars overall. Nothing spectacular, but I’ll probably finish the series when I’m wanting a light read.

The Glimmer Train Guide to Fiction is still in my pile as well, and I’ve barely touched it since my last post about it. Maybe I jinxed it. Actually, I have a bad habit of doing more reading about writing than actual writing, so I purposely left it alone for awhile. I’ll be reading more in it over the next few days, I hope.

Hmm. Haven’t been doing much reading, have I?

Miscellany March 4, 2009

I now have more than 18,000 words on my WIP. I know this is not a lot, especially to certain people who complete NaNo four times over during the course of November, or even just once, but for me it’s rather major. My goal with this WIP is just to finish. I’m not aiming for publication, just to assure myself that I can indeed finish a novel length project. So I’m excited.

The fact that I feel somewhat possessed by it at present also excites me. I haven’t felt like this about a story since I was about 14. It’s driving me to the keyboard, even though I have other things I know I could/should be doing (cleaning the bathroom, finishing my quilt, putting away the clean dishes, etc). I guess I could say my muse is back, perhaps in the form of the very happy golden retriever with his head perpetually on the arm of my chair or in my lap.

Posting may be sparce over the next few days, as we’ll be having some company. I expect my muse will be demanding any of my extra time, but I’ll be back soon.